


Goodbye to a World

by JForward



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Panic Attacks, Telepathy, The Doctor is tactile gdi, This is self indulgen, also a little bit of, but it's not really addressed Fully you don't realise she's doing it, does not use y/n, gender neutral reader
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-20
Updated: 2020-04-20
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:28:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,360
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23756143
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JForward/pseuds/JForward
Summary: The Doctor talks you down from a panic attack.¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Kudos: 36





	Goodbye to a World

**Author's Note:**

> I have literally never written a reader insert fic before so uhhh? Okay.

  
It starts slowly. You aren't quite sure when it actually become a problem that you were aware of. Anxiety and stress were pretty normal, and adventuring with the Doctor is something entirely special - you're amazed by how often you've managed to push it aside. Seeing the most incredible sights in the universe, running for your life, her endless and boundless energy - it's enough to squish most of those most awful feelings. And then you're usually too tired to even worry about feeling bad, willing to just fall into bed and sleep it all off.

When she smiles you're reminded of the sun - or perhaps the moon would be better. She's so bright, so beautiful, and a half-dozen times an adventure at least you're made to stop and just breathe at how incredible it is. How fantastic this otherworldly creature is. And how lucky you are. That smile makes everything feel okay again, her genius sometimes makes you feel like an absolute moron but you know that's not her fault. She seems to have infinite patience for you and your human mistakes.

But the nicest feelings in the world aren't a cure for a seratonin imbalance. And you know, you well know, that a spiral is only a matter of time, really. Because you don't deserve her. You really, truly don't deserve any of the time the Doctor wastes on you. That thought makes your throat constrict, a deep pain that you can't explain. Halfway between nausea and an ache deep in your chest. Because every second of this wonderful life, you don't deserve it.  
You know it. The thought that digs it's claws into you, makes your chest tight.  
You don't deserve it. You don't deserve her.

It's like a pressure. A tightness. Elastic bands around your chest. A hollow sensation - of everything being pointless. It's something you've felt a dozen, a hundred even times before - because you know it's true. Burying yourself in this life won't change the fact that this has to be earnt and what have you ever done to earn it? You're unremarkable. Normal. Boring.   
Broken.

The pressure gets worse. You aren't sure when you stood up but you leave the console room. She'd been buried in fixing something. You keep your steps light, because the last thing, the worst possible thing to do would be to burden her with this. With - you. Any more than you have to, at the least. Your room appears quickly, unaware you were moving that fast, starting to gasp. The tightness around your chest is familiar. The world feels off-kilter but your bed is solid, sitting on the edge. Kicking the door shut, you try to focus, to ground yourself. But the words get worse. They get stronger, overwhelming. 

Who do you think you are? Why do you think you're special? The heat of the tears almost startles you but you expected this. It hurts, the ache, each breath getting harder and harder. You can feel your heart, now, racing as you hug yourself tight, trying to hold yourself together. It's no good. And all you can think, over and over, is about how useless you are. That there's no point in you. That she deserves better than you, so much better. And a tiny, awful part of you is angry - angry that she hadn't noticed that you were breaking down.

Your breathing is getting faster, it's getting harder because you can't get air in and you know you're hyperventilating, but you can't stop it. Wouldn't be the first time a panic attack's driven you to the point where you almost passed out, but this was perhaps the first time you'd ever - not really wanted to be alone. Your eyes clench shut, gasping, but this is what you deserve. This is what you get! This is what you have to go through, because you've wasted her time. You want it to be over. The thought hits you harder than you expect. It's been many years since you last touched a blade but - maybe you should do something more permanent. Stop her having to pity you.

Each gasp hurts more than the last, your head spins, all of you curled in tight when - something soft and cool touches your hand.

When you open your eyes with a jolt, there's a pair of hazel eyes looking into yours, and it hits you - even with the grey edges of your vision - just how beautiful she really is. And it _hurts_ , because you're wasting her time yet again, and she looks so _worried_ and you're so _selfish_ -  
"Hey." she reached up and you jolted, not sure why you were scared, but that hand just rested on your cheek - looking very intently into you. It takes a moment to realise just what she's doing, until the hand jolts back and she lets out a long, drawn-out, "Ohh..." of understanding. You don't like that. She's pitying you again.

"Hey. Focus on me, okay? Hey. Hey, come on. Eyes up. Deep breaths." she smiles at you and it's the sun again, but right now you feel like it's burning you. "You're having a panic attack. This isn't really my wheelhouse. But I can help. You just need to breathe, okay?" and she's so gentle, she's so soft with you right now that the guilt is only getting worse but there's at least a little relief. You try to speak but the tears in your eyes make you lose control, it comes out so broken and scrambled and loud that you're surprised she even manages to parse the words.   
"None of that is true." she's so calm, so reassuring and warm - even if her skin in colder than yours. "Come on. In and out." she takes your hand and rests it against her collar, so you can feel the slow and steady raise and fall.

Copying is a little more work than you expect, and at first it _aches_ where your chest has been worked so hard, but you do it. And slowly, the thoughts ease back. Her hand rests back on your cheek and you feel a strange - warmth. Calm spreading through you as her eyes stay fixated on yours.   
"There we go. There we go." she whispers, before moving, drawing you into a hug. Not too tight, you rest your head into the crook of her neck; she's kneeling in between your legs to hold you properly, arms around your back. You know if you pulled away she would let go but you don't - because it makes you feel better.

"You deserve better than me." the words come out much easier than earlier, but she jolts.   
"No. No, of course I don't! What're you talkin' about, you nelly?" and you laugh, just a little, unable to help it at the stupid word and her clear shock. You feel her lips moving into a smile at hearing that noise, and she draws back just a little. "None of that is true?" she's closer than you've seen her before, eyes fixed on yours again. "I promise. Your brain? S'lyin' to you. Humans! Always lying to yourselves." her head tilts just a little. "I'm happy you're here. I'll always be happy you're here. I promise. I _promise_ , okay? D'you hear me? Promisin'?"  
You nod, carefully, sniffing as you reach up to wipe your eyes. The Doctor reaches in her coat and shoves a handkerchief into your hand.   
"Y'can keep that." she said, brightly. "Not gonna carry your snot around."  
You can't help but laugh at that, too, wiping your face clean. You still feel drained and drawn out, but the worst of it is over.

After a moment's thought, she offers you a hand and helps you upright. The wet patch on her shoulder from your tears doesn't seem to both the Time Lord at all.  
"I think you should probably have a cuppa tea." she says, gently. "And might be an idea for me to show you the karaoke halls. Bit of Bohemian Rhapsody, that's my jam."  
You let her take your hand, and tug you along towards the kitchen.  
At least you feel a little better, now.


End file.
